Masks Off: How to Stop People-Pleasing Before Holiday Chaos Hits
It’s October. Leaves are falling, pumpkin spice lattes are back, and suddenly social calendars start filling up faster than a haunted house on Halloween night. But here’s the thing: for many of us, the “holiday cheer” comes with a side of anxiety, guilt, and the relentless pressure to make everyone happy. Cue the masks.
I’m not talking about the fun, glittery Halloween ones, although I do love those. I’m talking about the social masks we wear to keep everyone around us comfortable while we quietly compromise our own needs.
If you’ve ever said “Sure, I’ll take on that project even though my plate is overflowing” or “Of course I’ll host the family dinner again” - all while your inner voice is screaming - whether you know it or not, you’ve been people-pleasing.
It’s not all bad, I promise. The good news is that you don’t have to wait for the holidays to start to work on this. You can start peeling off those masks now so that when the chaos of holiday parties, gift lists, and awkward small talk lands on your doorstep, you’ll be equipped with how you want to proceed so you can have the holiday season you actually want.
Why We People-Please
People-pleasing isn’t just a “nice person” problem. It’s a survival skill we learned long before we could spell “boundaries.” Somewhere between “Say thank you to Aunty Anita even if you didn’t like the gift,” and “Don’t upset anyone,” many of us absorbed the idea that harmony matters more than honesty.
It probably started with good intentions: wanting to be kind, keep the peace, or make someone smile. But over time, that instinct to smooth things over can turn into a reflex, one where we say yes when we mean maybe, or apologize for things that aren’t even our fault (like the weather).
Here’s the tricky part: being the dependable one feels good... until it doesn’t. Until you realize you’ve RSVP’d “yes” to three events you don’t want to attend, agreed to bake for the school fundraiser (again), and can’t remember the last time you sat still without doing something for someone else.
And the holidays amplify all of this - more invitations, more expectations, more “Can you just…?” requests that chip away at your peace.
Recognize Your Masks
Before we can take action, let’s identify the masks we wear. Ask yourself:
Am I agreeing to things out of obligation or fear of disappointing someone?
Do I suppress my true opinions to avoid conflict?
Do I prioritize other people’s comfort over my own wellbeing?
If you nodded yes to any of these, well, you’re wearing a mask. And it’s time to start removing it, slowly.
3 Steps to Peel Off Your People-Pleasing Mask
Here’s the good stuff: actionable steps you can start implementing today.
1. Pause Before You Say Yes
When someone asks for a favor, an opinion, or time on your calendar, don’t respond immediately. Give yourself a 10-second mental pause, or better yet, a 24-hour “let me check” buffer. This pause is revolutionary because it creates space for YOU to decide without the person asking pleading at you with their eyes. You get to decide whether you genuinely want this and if you can commit without resentment.
Action tip: Try this script: “Thanks for thinking of me! Let me check my schedule and I’ll get back to you.”
It’s polite, neutral, and gives you breathing room.
2. Set Tiny Boundaries, Daily
Boundaries don’t have to be dramatic. They can be small, practical, and surprisingly effective. For example:
“I can help with this project, but only for one hour today.”
“I’ll attend the party for a bit, and then I need to head home.”
“I’m happy to give input, but the final decision is yours.”
These micro-boundaries train others to respect your time and teach your brain that your needs matter too. You don’t need to make up an excuse or give a reason - at all really. Keep your responses short, direct, kind and it always helps to smile (confidently, not apologetically).
Action tip: Pick one area this week where you’ve historically said yes out of obligation. Apply a small boundary. Observe what happens. It’s ok to feel uncomfortable. You likely will. Rather than immediately trying to alleviate the discomfort by overextending yourself, take a few deep breaths and stay silent. You will be ok. Change can be uncomfortable but the faster you learn that it’s not the end of the world, the faster you get to live the life you actually want.
3. Speak Your Truth (Even If It’s Awkward)
This is the big one. The final boss of people-pleasing. Speaking your truth can feel like announcing you’ve brought tuna salad to a dinner party. Everyone freezes for a second, unsure of what to do with your honesty.
But here’s the thing: honesty is rarely the problem. It’s the fear of how others will react that makes it feel so terrifying. The truth itself is usually pretty reasonable.
Maybe your truth sounds like:
“I’m actually exhausted and need a night in.”
“I’d love to help, but I don’t have the bandwidth right now.”
“I know this might disappoint you, but I have to say no this time.”
For me, the first time I said “I can’t” without a 15-minute apology monologue, I felt both powerful and mildly nauseous. That’s normal. The first few times your voice shakes, your palms sweat, and your inner peacekeeper wants to jump in and fix it. But hold steady, the truth gets easier with practice.
And here’s the best part: most people don’t react nearly as badly as you think they will. Some might even say, “Good for you. I wish I could do more of that!” (Wild, right?)
Action tip: Write down three small truths you’ve been avoiding - maybe about your time, energy, or emotional bandwidth. Practice saying them out loud. Start with your mirror. Graduate to your pet. And by the end of the week, try saying one to an actual human. Bonus points if you survive without apologizing after.
Pro tip - Humor Helps: Keep It Light
Here’s a pro tip for people-pleasers: sprinkle in humor. A little lightness softens the delivery, keeps interactions light, and gives you an easy out when guilt creeps in.
Try lines like:
“I’d love to, but my calendar currently looks like a Jenga tower - one more thing and it’s all coming down.”
“I’m skipping this one so Future Me doesn’t have to fake food poisoning next time.”
“I’ll be cheering you on… from my couch, in sweatpants, with snacks.”
Humor helps you assert yourself without the heavy guilt soundtrack playing in the background. You still sound kind, but you also sound like someone who knows their limits (and has great comedic timing).
Reflect: After the Mask Comes Off
After practicing these steps, take a moment to reflect:
How did it feel to pause before responding?
How did people respond to your boundaries?
What did you notice about your own energy levels and stress?
Reflection reinforces the behavior. It’s the difference between “I tried once” and “I’m actually getting better at this.”
Bonus Challenge: Your October Mask-Off Moment
I’ll go first: my “mask” used to be saying “Sure, I can do that!” before I even knew what “that” was. One October, I decided to experiment. I wrote “You don’t have to be available to be valuable” on a sticky note and stuck it to my laptop. Every time someone asked for something, I paused and looked at that note before answering.
So here’s your challenge: pick one small mask to take off this month. Just one. Maybe it’s your “always say yes” mask. Or your “pretend you’re fine” mask. Or your “I love small talk” mask (we both know you don’t).
Write it down somewhere you’ll see it - on your mirror, your phone, your fridge - and give yourself permission to take it off in one small, real-life moment.
It could look like:
Saying no to that extra get-together when your couch is calling your name.
Telling your family, “I’m heading to bed early tonight,” and actually doing it.
Letting an unanswered text stay unanswered for a day - without spiraling.
Your goal isn’t to change everything. It’s simply to practice showing up as the more unfiltered version of you - no performance, no over explaining, no guilt. So that when the holidays roll around, you’re not running on empty or pretending to be someone more “together” than you feel.
You get to be you - rested, honest and finally choosing how and where to spend your (very precious) time.
Final Thoughts
People-pleasing isn’t a flaw, it’s a habit. But habits can change. And here’s the kicker: when you stop bending to everyone else’s expectations, you gain something far more valuable than approval. You gain freedom, clarity, and the energy to focus on what really matters to you.
So this October, let’s get real. Put your pumpkin spice latte down for a second, peel off the mask, and start showing up as the unapologetic, boundary-setting, slightly sarcastic, and fully human version of yourself.
Your energy - and your sanity - will thank you.
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👋🏽 Hi there - I’d love to hear from you. Is there a topic you’d like me to explore - maybe healing from burnout, finding balance between caring and over-caring, or learning to rest without guilt? Drop a comment or email me at hello@honestspacetherapy.com. I love turning real questions into conversations that help us all grow.
And as always, if I can be of service in any way, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I specialize in anxiety therapy, self-esteem therapy, relationship skills therapy, couples therapy, therapy for parents and therapy for big life changes. I work mostly, but not exclusively, with BIPOC adults and couples in CA & TX and see a lot of mixed race/multicultural couples. I’m also well-versed in working with neurodivergent clients - both individuals and couples.
SOMETHING NEW: If You Need a Different Kind of Support...
In addition to being a therapist, I’m also a career success and leadership coach for 1st & 2nd gen professionals (the first in your family to build a career here or the child of immigrants balancing two cultures). I support high-achieving professionals who are tired of biting their tongues in meetings, overdelivering on projects, and still getting sidelined when it’s time for promotions. I teach you how to get seen, heard and promoted within 4 months without working harder, switching jobs, or pretending to be someone you’re not.
If this sounds like something you need or you would like more information, head on over to www.minalnebhnanicoaching.com.
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Until next time, happy unmasking! :)
-Minal