Love Without the Performance: What Healthy Connection Actually Looks Like
Back when I was dating (a looong time ago now), one February, I watched someone I care about spend an entire dinner apologizing. Not for anything major or even for something dramatic, just small things like, “Sorry I’m late;” “Sorry I’m so tired;” “Sorry I forgot to text back sooner;” and “Sorry, that probably sounded weird.” By the time dessert came, I was exhausted by constantly trying to make them feel better and realized that they weren’t apologizing for mistakes, they were apologizing for existing imperfectly. And it got me reflecting on how quietly we can turn love into the ultimate performance.
February has a way of spotlighting relationships. There are flowers and reservations and curated Instagram posts. Everyone is questioning their relationship in one way or another and underneath all that, there’s a quieter pressure most people don’t name: Am I doing enough to be loved?
For a lot of us, love didn’t start as something steady. It started as something we learned to maintain. We learned to be the “easy” one,” the “helpful” one,” the one who anticipates needs before they’re spoken, the “independent” one, the “peacekeeper”... I could clearly go on and on.
We became really good at reading the room, really good at adjusting, and really good at making sure everyone else was comfortable. And slowly, almost invisibly and definitely unconsciously, being needed started to feel like being safe. Because if you’re needed, you won’t be left; if you’re useful, you won’t be replaced; and if you’re exceptional, you won’t be overlooked.
But there’s a cost to that kind of love. You start to monitor yourself. Maybe you soften your opinions or you over-explain. Perhaps you fix tension before it becomes conflict. You do more than your share and call it “just who I am.”
And maybe you don’t even notice how tired you are. I once had a client tell me, “If I stop trying this hard, I’m scared there won’t be much left to choose.” That’s the fear underneath performance. If I stop proving, stop performing, will I still be chosen, will I still be loved?
Here’s the quiet truth that February rarely advertises: Healthy love feels different than anxious love. Anxious love is electric, it’s hyper-aware and it’s constantly scanning, adjusting and trying. Healthy love is steadier, quieter, dare I even say boring.
And if you grew up around intensity, steady can feel suspicious. When someone doesn’t need you to fix them or doesn’t pull away during conflict or doesn’t make you guess where you stand, it can feel almost disorienting. You might even think: Is this passion? Is this enough? Why does this feel so calm? Because calm wasn’t always what you associated with connection.
So here’s what secure love actually looks like in real life: It looks like being able to say, “I’m not okay,” without fearing you’re too much or needing someone to fix you or the problem; it looks like silence that isn’t threatening; and it looks like disagreements that don’t feel like explosive exits. Your nervous system isn’t constantly bracing for impact and it feels like you can take a deep breath without expecting to have to hold it again.
That kind of connection requires something vulnerable. You have to let yourself be chosen without auditioning; you have to stop over-functioning long enough to see whether the relationship still holds, and maybe hardest of all, you have to risk being ordinary. Not impressive or indispensable, really just… yourself.
That’s the real work of February - noticing where you overgive and pausing before you jump right in to fix it. Maybe you ask yourself gently, If I did less here, would I still be loved? And then being brave enough to find out.
Because real love isn’t built on performance reviews. It’s built on presence, mutual effort, respect and repair. It’s built on safety and choice. Not once, but over and over and over again. So this February, instead of asking how to do more for the people you love, maybe ask something quieter: Where am I performing? And what would it feel like to stop?
Here’s to loving, and being loved, without having to earn your place.
💬 Thanks for reading and I’d love to hear from you 👋🏽 What’s a topic you’d love some guidance on this year? Drop a comment or email me at hello@honestspacetherapy.com - your comments always inspire what I write next.
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